Friday Morning Procrastination

I don't feel like doing anything yet this morning, so I've been doing some online procrastination. One such activity is reading some of the "suggested blogs" in my Google Reader. Sometimes they recommend really interesting things. This morning I was directed to I love Science, Really. The impostor syndrome posts caught my eye, specifically Part II. She lists two categories into which some believe women with impostor syndrome fall:

1. She grew up in the household where another sibling was “the intelligent
one” even though she consistently out-performed that sibling.

2. She was told while growing up that she was precocious, that she did things
effortlessly, AND that smart people don’t study until she somehow got the
impression that if you have to make an effort, you are not smart.

These comments struck a cord with me. I've mentioned before in this blog my own issues on whether I'm "smart enough" or not. I admit to feeling lost much of the time and I hate being put on the spot because my nerves make me forget things that I know. Then there's the issue of the lab Pig whose attitude towards me (and women in science in general) and blatant disregard for my knowledge of my research makes me feel stupid. Granted, recently I remembered an event in which I showed him some data (back when we were friends) that didn't make any sense and he proceeded to look over it and make hand gestures indicating that it made perfect sense to him. Since doing this experiment multiple times now and really being the only one who does this type of work in my entire department, I now know he was full of shit. That helps some in my mindset of dealing with him, but that doesn't change how I feel about my own intelligence or competence. So back to the 2 categories.

Like mrswhatsit, I don't identify with (1) at all. I was always the "smart" one in my family. School came easily to me, and I enjoyed it. I was always good with numbers, I love to read and was always told that I write well. High school was a breeze. I could do my homework the night before and get A's and B's. Physics was the only class that gave me trouble and that's partially because I didn't care (ironically, I wasn't planning on doing science anyway, so why bother). Chemistry I loved, it was easy for me and I didn't understand how so many people at my HS failed it. There was something settling to me about balancing equations and everything working out numerically (back to the good with numbers part, I guess - also probably why I veer toward the analytical/physical chemistry realm). Anyway, I got into a good college on early admissions, and nobody was surprised.

That brings me to (2). I identify with that statement immensely. In college I, like many freshman, did not think it would be hard. After all, I was the "smart one". I didn't improve my study habits or try hard. I was shocked when my usual efforts would get me a C (in intro bio no less, how embarrassing). Instead of shaping up my act, and studying harder, I just accepted that I wasn't smart enough. I mean, smart people don't have to try, and trying wasn't going to help me anyway because I just was bad at test taking, plus I understood the material in class - it came easily then so why worry? In typing that last sentence I realized just now how confused I must have been. Anyway, by the time my junior & senior years had rolled around I had grown up a bit and learned better habits - and I was good at the harder more advanced chemistry. I still regret that I didn't study harder for my intro classes because I've forgotten a lot of my basic knowledge - or at least I can't retrieve it easily, and don't even ask me about ochem mechanisms (sorry Lab Pixie) because I don't know them.

My undergraduate GPA wasn't great, and when I came to graduate school I was terrified that everyone would find out how stupid I was, that the faculty had made a mistake and didn't really mean to admit me. I still struggle with that. I have support from my family who still think of me as "the smart one", and I don't want to let them down, but the thought of graduating and being responsible for actual knowledge scares the crap out of me. I even hate talking science with my husband's non science friends because I'm afraid I'll get it wrong, and they'll realize just how much I don't know. I keep the essay by Martin Schwartz "The Importance of Stupidity in Scientific Research" up in my cubicle. It helps me to remember that there's a lot I don't know - and that's ok, but more importantly it doesn't make me unqualified to be where I am.