Last night my husband and I went out to dinner. Neither of our families live nearby so we weren't obligated to do any family activities for Mother's Day other than call our respective Mother's. But, there were lots of families out at the restaurant, and as we sat there talking about our friends who just had a baby and looking out at the multitudes of families with young children, my husband turned to me and said: "You know, if my mom were a stay at home mom she would fly out here and stay with us to help take care of the baby". There are a lot of things wrong with that sentence, first and foremost that there is no baby - we have cats, and no children in the foreseeable future. I pointed this out to him, which caused him to drop the subject immediately, but it's left me with a gnawing feeling since. I can't tell him this because, after all, it was a silly conversation seeing as we have no children, and because he'd just get mad.
But here's the thing. I'm not that close to his parents - in fact his dad drives me up the wall. But even more fundamental, his mom can't drive, so even if we did have a baby I wouldn't want to leave her alone with it (maybe I'm just paranoid about my imaginary progeny). But what really gets me is that he just assumed that would be ok. First off, if anyone's mom was going to come I would rather it be mine - we're really close, but still he just assumed that we'd want his mother to move on in. I'm a private and independent person, so the idea of my mother in law moving in is horrendous.
Again this is a silly discussion about something that's not in our foreseeable future, so I let him drop it and didn't suggest any of those things, but I'll admit to sitting there in a funk for the rest of dinner. And here's the real kicker - my husband is in the arts. His current plan is for him to try to make a living off of his art form and for me to support us for a while. In all honesty that's kind of how it works now, but he's not planning on actively pursuing faculty positions or anything like that because he'd rather that I find a job where I want to be rather than following him, which is actually sweet. But that leads to this point - should his plan work out and we had a baby, I would have to go back to work and he would be the primary caretaker. Mind you, I've only ever left him alone with the cats for 72 hours max, and that wasn't entirely successful. So, I can see where he's coming from - he'd want his mom to come and help him. It was a weird revelation and insight into my life, and I admit it made me really uncomfortable.
Monday, May 11, 2009
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2 comments:
My husband and I have had similar uncomfortable situations regarding care of very future children and his mother. For starters, his mother has made it publicly known since well before we were even engaged that she was ready to be a grandmother, and even now with him moving away for residency, she has stated that it would be lovely for me to get pregnant now, with him gone, and she will move in with me and help raise the child. Because living with my mother-in-law, and without my husband, is exactly what I want. (I think I seriously might contemplate old fashioned bathtub electrocution.)
But, that said, my husband does think that when we ultimately do settle down near his mother (hopefully just NEAR, because living WITH her will NOT be an option -- it will be her or me!), since we will both work, rather than pay for childcare (which I would prefer, as we would be able to afford it since he will be an attending by then), his mother will provide the daytime childcare. She can hardly take care of herself -- the woman is nearly 300 pounds and refuses to walk up the stairs more than once a day -- so how could she possibly chase after a toddler? Will our child be a 7am-5pm playpen prisoner? And, while my husband turned out perfectly intelligent, he was raised by television and junk food, and I do NOT want my old children to grow up in that environment.
My parents have been talking about retiring to the same location as my MIL, so I just hope that it happens before we have children, as my parents are in far better physical shape, and would be much more active, museum-going, playground-playing, puzzle-completing, brain-using type grandparents, so at least then I could argue that we would have to split the grandparent time equally...
I hear you on the TV & junk food front. My husband was raised on TV, and let's put it this way: when I go to the in-laws I go grocery shopping first so there's actually something I'll eat in the house...
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