I'm having a crappy Monday. Nothing in particular has gone really wrong, and I've gotten some menial tasks (both science & non-science) off of my plate. I checked a lot of things off of my to do list - that usually makes me happy. Alas, I'm still in a mood.
I'm grumpy that this is the summer beginning my 4th year and my paper still isn't out. I remember my first year how one student thought I was going to break the record for quickest student to publish. Hah! I feel like a failure, and if not a failure then at least like I'm never getting out of here. If it's taken me 3 years to get this stupid paper out and the boss still isn't treating it like a priority then how am I ever going to write a dissertation?
According to the department I'm supposed to be setting up a committee and registering for dissertation hours, I guess I should, but there's a part of me that feels like my boss will laugh at me (I know it's stupid, but like I said I'm in a mood).
All my close friends are moving on with their lives and I feel like I'm stuck here, one is now a doctor, moving on to residency, another finished her PhD and has some sort of faculty position already. Others are living in different countries pursuing their goals. I'm stuck here. No light at the end of the tunnel - no answer to the question of when I'll graduate, and no motivation to work hard because I get ignored anyway. I tried to talk to the boss today, but I was brushed off, as usual.
About Me
- Mrs. Chemist
- I'm a married chemistry graduate student, taking it one day at a time and hoping to learn something new while I'm at it.
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3 comments:
wow. you just posted the conversation myself and Ms. K had at our coffee break today.
In our mid-tewnties and it feels like we've accomplished nothing and aren't about to anytime soon. People buying houses, getting promoted, going off travelling, having babies and we're STILL in college. STILL studying. STILL broke. The only reason I was able to afford the dentist last week is my mother found out how long it was since I last went and booked me and appointment and gave me money. How depressing is that. 25 years old, over-educated but can't afford the dentist :(
So I totally get you with the stalled life feeling.
As for the "how the hell will I ever do this/write this/manage to leave", somehow, it all comes together. And believe me I have had exactly those some thoughts. I remember last year hounding (really, hounding) my boss for a meeting, as he kept slipping me comments like, oh you'll be written up soon, and all that. So he had it in his head that I was pretty important and finishing, but it still took over three weeks to pin hime down for a half hour meeting. They're not always rude, just oblivious. Convinced "later" won't turn into "three weeks later". Somehow, you will get a meeting and organise yourself. Do you see an end in sight for your project? Do you still feel you need to satisfy certain objectives to have a good quality dissertation?
This is me, but I find sitting down for an hour, organising, making a list and prioritising often calms me down when i am feeling like this. This crappy monday feeling will pass. And you will get out of there. And move on in the real world. And it will be great (or at least that is what I tell myself).
Feel better soon xx
It seems like all of my friends are buying houses right now, as are people younger than me, which just makes me feel like I'm behind in life. I think part of this is brought on by the fact that this year is my husband's last year in school, then he'll be Dr. Mr. Chemist :) but that puts the pressure on me to try and graduate quickly (and I don't feel like I can), and he's been talking about moving back to our hometown lately. He has grand plans for after we graduate, which sound wonderful and make me even more anxious to get out and start my life!
Oh, and I've been in the real world, I took 2 years off and worked (not in science) and it was awful - but I too tell myself that this time will be different and I won't have a job that makes me want to poke my eyes out with a hangar every day. That isn't meant to bring you down - I was an underpaid assistant for a small compnay where they treated me like crap, but it was the only job I could find.
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