Mind Reading

It's somewhat of a running joke around my lab that the boss often gives vague tasks and expects us to just figure out what he wants - when this occurs we'll comment that he wants us to read his mind. I run up against this problem very often, so when given such tasks I try to think of what I think he thinks he wants and to proceed accordingly. That's fine when it's something like updating the website where there's a fair ammount of creative license allowed, but lately I've started to have this problem in other aspects of my interaction with him as well.

For example, the official vacation/time off policy in my lab is that as long as you're making progress you're free to take off whatever time you need. You are not required to work weekends (as in punch a time clock) unless so demanded by your project, etc. etc. On the surface these policies are great. No weekends? Check! As much time off as I want? Check! The problem lies in the perception of "making progress" as it's dependent on how he percieves your research to be moving along.

I hadn't had any trouble with this up until now as I was one of the students that was constantly working and I kept the boss up to date with my progress. Then I hit the wall. The wall in which nothing worked and I was frustrated because everytime I asked for help I was brushed aside. So for a while I mostly read papers - I tried to figure it out. The problem with the reading spree is that no data are taken, there are no results to show to prove my efforts. If the experiment failed (as it has almost constantly for the past 4+ months despite all the parameter and method changes I can think of), that was it. I couldn't make my starting product so I couldn't do any experiments. This time also fell around the holidays and immediately after the new year I was sick pretty continuously for 3 weeks (I only took 1.5 days off though). This led to the boss asking me to be more dilligent in my efforts - sparking an argument that I thought I eneded up winning (his words: "you had a lot more to show than I expected").

Things then started looking up, I asked for a new project so that I wasn't only working on the impossible project and he obliged, so I've been back to my usual busy & productive self. I have so much data I don't know what to do with it all. The boss and I seemed to be back into our old groove. I know that he wasn't happy with my for a while there, and I think I've done my best to overcome that, I also know he wasn't happy about the ammount of time I was gone over the holidays, but my family lives far away so the holidays are really one of the few times I get to see them. All that said, it's time now to start planning for the summer. I'm in a wedding - on a Friday - so that's a few days off. My parents are coming to visit over Memorial Day, so that's another few days. My sister is having a baby and my husband usually goes to our hometown for the summer to work (he's not a scientist and has a standing engagement for the summers), so I'd like to go home for a few days at least. I was just going to go talk to him - I thought he'd be reasonable about it, but then another labmate told me that the boss told her that he expects us to only take 2 weeks off/year and that both she and I had already exceeded our allotment for this year. WTF?

Anyway, this connects to my initial point of mind reading, I promise. Here's how: if the expectation of 2 weeks was completely clear to begin with then I would have planned accordingly. I've had a "real" job before - I know it can be done. If he means 2 weeks + holidays then I'm good still - I tend to travel around holidays anyway. But then if he's going by the expectation of minimum 40 hours/week, 2 weeks vacation then I should be fine, I work minimum of 50 hours/week, usually on the order of 60-70 hours/week. But instead of being clear with his expectations, he gives us vague guidelines then gets mad when we don't read his mind. It's frustrating, especially since with this, there is no creative license.

I need to figure out what to do before plane ticket prices skyrocket, but at the same time, I feel like I'm still treading water just a bit here and don't want to make things worse.

Saying No

I came across this article today on CNN's website, it's about saying no and successful women. I think it's from Oprah's magazine, but the article is interesting nonetheless. http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/02/10/o.saying.no.at.work/index.html

It got me thinking. Whenever anyone asks me what my biggest flaw is I always answer that I'm too nice. I don't know how to say no. But reading through this article, I found myself identifying with the sentiment that if I say no the consequence is someone else says yes. Lately I've attributed that to my control-freak tendencies, but perhaps it's really rooted in insecurity. I feel like if I relax for just one minute I'll lose everything. The sad part is that I already feel this way and I'm only in graduate school. Even worse, I don't see my husband understanding my tendencies to put work first - come in when I'm sick, let the boss push me around, etc. Anyway, it's an interesting article if anyone has a spare 5 minutes.

Eh.

I'm bored and tired, and sick. I'm supposed to be revising my paper to include some really cool data I took last week, but I can't focus 'cause I'm sick. But that doesn't address the boredom. I've been wondering lately if this is really what I love, and am I smart enough? I like chemistry, and when I'm working on a project I think I love my research but lately I've just been really tired and unmotivated. I don't know what I want. I feel like I should be enthralled by the literature and passionate about what I do. I should have been thrilled about the conference this week instead of bored through some of the talks. Then, am I smart enough? Sometimes I feel like I'd fail basic general chemistry if I had to take it right now. I mean, I can do the advanced stuff but I think I've forgotten all of my basics. Maybe it's because I'm sick, and I feel too guilty about missing work to stay home like I should.