A day of annoyances

I’m not having a bad day, in fact I’m actually getting quite a bit accomplished and even managed to find some great birthday gifts online on sale, with free shipping, so that makes me happy. The problem is that there are lots of things annoying me today.

First off, I’ve mentioned before that I maintain an instrument which is technically a user facility. It doesn’t get much traffic, so it’s usually a matter or the occasional training and then I pretty much just open a door. No biggie. That is, until the users start taking advantage of me – like today. Someone was supposed to come this morning, and about half an hour before the scheduled time sent me an email saying that she’s “sort of on call to go hang out with her [friend].” WTF? Would this happen if there was a staff member in charge of the facility? If the use was charged? Seriously, I’m a student too, I don’t have all day to sit around and wait for this person. I think she’s not coming today though – it’s been 2 ½ hours and no word yet. Mildly annoying.

Second, we have a new visiting scientist. I think this guy is a professor in his own right in his home country, but I’m not clear on the details about what he’s doing here. He’s supposed to be working with the lab Pig, but the Pig is rude and demeaning towards him, so he comes to me for help. I think this is a test of my patience. Yesterday I had to train him on the aforementioned instrument – it was like beating my head against a wall. There’s a substantial language barrier, sure, but HE DOESN’T LISTEN!!!! I end up having to repeat everything I say at least 3 times. Annoying

Third, this same visiting scientist stole my instrument time this morning! Thank goodness I was already planning to be here late tonight as I’m on a deadline for the paper (aside: the boss is actually looking at it now). He came up to ask me for help with the instrument and I said I was scheduled to use it and he told me I wasn’t signed up. He didn’t bother to look at the dates on the damn calendar…VERY annoying.

Yay!

My data is pretty today...it's amazing how much that effects my mood, I'm almost positively giddy in my cubile :) YAY!!!!

Late night blogging is never a good idea...

How is it that this week is almost over already? Where did it go?! I spent my time trying to fix the stupid instrument that I desperately needed to work again for this paper. My efforts paid off! I managed to take some great data today that ,as I told my husband, says 2 things:
1) Pig is wrong, Mrs. Chemist is right, neiner neiner (yes I'm 5)
2) It's all here boss, lets publish this thing!
I have one last bit to do tomorrow, I'm optimistic, but still slightly superstitious, so the data of course says those things in hushed, reverent tones.
I'm really tired and kind of loopy...sorry :)

Friday Morning Procrastination

I don't feel like doing anything yet this morning, so I've been doing some online procrastination. One such activity is reading some of the "suggested blogs" in my Google Reader. Sometimes they recommend really interesting things. This morning I was directed to I love Science, Really. The impostor syndrome posts caught my eye, specifically Part II. She lists two categories into which some believe women with impostor syndrome fall:

1. She grew up in the household where another sibling was “the intelligent
one” even though she consistently out-performed that sibling.

2. She was told while growing up that she was precocious, that she did things
effortlessly, AND that smart people don’t study until she somehow got the
impression that if you have to make an effort, you are not smart.

These comments struck a cord with me. I've mentioned before in this blog my own issues on whether I'm "smart enough" or not. I admit to feeling lost much of the time and I hate being put on the spot because my nerves make me forget things that I know. Then there's the issue of the lab Pig whose attitude towards me (and women in science in general) and blatant disregard for my knowledge of my research makes me feel stupid. Granted, recently I remembered an event in which I showed him some data (back when we were friends) that didn't make any sense and he proceeded to look over it and make hand gestures indicating that it made perfect sense to him. Since doing this experiment multiple times now and really being the only one who does this type of work in my entire department, I now know he was full of shit. That helps some in my mindset of dealing with him, but that doesn't change how I feel about my own intelligence or competence. So back to the 2 categories.

Like mrswhatsit, I don't identify with (1) at all. I was always the "smart" one in my family. School came easily to me, and I enjoyed it. I was always good with numbers, I love to read and was always told that I write well. High school was a breeze. I could do my homework the night before and get A's and B's. Physics was the only class that gave me trouble and that's partially because I didn't care (ironically, I wasn't planning on doing science anyway, so why bother). Chemistry I loved, it was easy for me and I didn't understand how so many people at my HS failed it. There was something settling to me about balancing equations and everything working out numerically (back to the good with numbers part, I guess - also probably why I veer toward the analytical/physical chemistry realm). Anyway, I got into a good college on early admissions, and nobody was surprised.

That brings me to (2). I identify with that statement immensely. In college I, like many freshman, did not think it would be hard. After all, I was the "smart one". I didn't improve my study habits or try hard. I was shocked when my usual efforts would get me a C (in intro bio no less, how embarrassing). Instead of shaping up my act, and studying harder, I just accepted that I wasn't smart enough. I mean, smart people don't have to try, and trying wasn't going to help me anyway because I just was bad at test taking, plus I understood the material in class - it came easily then so why worry? In typing that last sentence I realized just now how confused I must have been. Anyway, by the time my junior & senior years had rolled around I had grown up a bit and learned better habits - and I was good at the harder more advanced chemistry. I still regret that I didn't study harder for my intro classes because I've forgotten a lot of my basic knowledge - or at least I can't retrieve it easily, and don't even ask me about ochem mechanisms (sorry Lab Pixie) because I don't know them.

My undergraduate GPA wasn't great, and when I came to graduate school I was terrified that everyone would find out how stupid I was, that the faculty had made a mistake and didn't really mean to admit me. I still struggle with that. I have support from my family who still think of me as "the smart one", and I don't want to let them down, but the thought of graduating and being responsible for actual knowledge scares the crap out of me. I even hate talking science with my husband's non science friends because I'm afraid I'll get it wrong, and they'll realize just how much I don't know. I keep the essay by Martin Schwartz "The Importance of Stupidity in Scientific Research" up in my cubicle. It helps me to remember that there's a lot I don't know - and that's ok, but more importantly it doesn't make me unqualified to be where I am.

Today was a good day

I'm exhausted, and the only one in lab right now, but I get to go home soon. That said, despite all the crap going on around here and the toxic atmosphere, today was a good day. I'm too tired to write in coherent paragraphs, so here are the highlights:

• The instrument that was broken, then finally fixed is broken again. That sucks, but the facility manager let me put together the proof for the technicians, so I know that the problem that they'll address is the one that I need fixed. This facility manager actually believes me when I say the instrument doesn't work - it took me a year to convince his predecessor.
• Another experiment died, but it was one I'd only worked on for 2 weeks and wasn't really into anyway.
• Pig is gone until Tuesday! Yay!
• Pig's GF has been giving me the silent treatment all week (she does this sometimes, but usually gets over it quickly). The good part about that is that she has no reason to come in to lab without him here (she's defended and done already) so that's nice, but also I really don't care. Usually I do. This time I really don't, I think I'm finally through with them. I don't have to be nice to the Pig if his GF isn't my friend anymore.
• I had a really good talk with the boss today about Pig and the group history and future. He apologized for not intervening with Pig sooner.
• I got a new project, and it's cool and interesting. I'm glad I went and talked to the pet because it involves some of her old data, and she's already offered to help.
• The best part about the new project is that it requires chemicals that I have to special order. They won't be here by tomorrow, so the best news is that I can take the weekend off, guilt-free. I need that!

Today was a good day, and even better, tomorrow is Friday!

What's in a Name?

I've been married for 4 1/2 years now, but the issue of my name still persists.

For me there were a few options:
a) do nothing
b) take my husband's name (of a different ethnicity)
c) hyphenate or use some combination

So for the past few years I've done a combination of a & c. Legally I did nothing, I used both names socially. This has led to a whole mess in which nobody really knows what my name actually is. In all honesty, I would have hyphenated pretty immediately if my husband had been ok with it, but he didn't like that option. I didn't want to just take my husband's name, I feel like my name is a part of me, and as the only successful and/or functional grandchild on that side I felt that I owed it to my paternal side to keep the name going academically. There's also the issue of ethnicity - I obviously don't belong to the ethnic group of my husband and he is sensitive to the assumptions that people make based on the name (he doesn't much look like his ethnic group either). So I decided not to decide. Aside from the confusion that nobody really knows my name, it's worked. I answer to any combination of the 2.

So why bring it up now? Last night my husband asked me if I was ever going to change my name. I don't know why he brought it up, but apparently it's more important to him that he's acknowledged before. Huh. I was totally honest with him and said that the only option I really was comfortable with was hyphenation. The whole maiden as middle, use all 3 names thing doesn't really work - the middle name gets dropped. He agreed to it. I don't know what's changed, if it's suddenly that as long as I take it somehow it works, or what but I guess now, after 4 1/2 years it's time.

I know this is something a lot of people stuggle with, and there are many stories and options out there. My advice is - make the decision you both are comfortable with, it's your name and you have to live with it, but so does he. Our children won't be hyphenated, they'll be his last name only, and that's ok with me.

The big story, as promised

First, I'd like to recall the incident in November, with the piggish lab mate (we'll call him Pig) and his unnecessary behavior.

OK, now to the story, in all it's glory.

I had group meeting this past week, I wasn't terribly concerned about it, I was pretty much presenting the data for my paper in a nice complete manner, soliciting input, etc. I've worked hard and had a good data set to show. I get through my first few introductory slides (for the benefit of the newbies present) and am getting into the data, and Pig starts grunting, sighing and rolling his eyes. Regularly. I ignored it and kept going. I then said something about an effect that I can't explain but that is real, and he full on snorted. I got mad and addressed him pretty directly, defending my position. This went on for a while, he was abrasive and rude but I handled it. Anyway, about halfway through I explained something by basically saying "I don't put any quantitative stock in X numbers, as they're dependent on both parameters A and B, but I do think it's interesting that we see the relative trend that we would expect to see should the system be based primarily on parameter A." That's it. I didn't' claim the world. PIG starts jumping all over me saying that these numbers obviously have no meaning, etc.

This is where it got really interesting, the boss-man got pissed and started yelling at Pig. Full on voice raised yelling, about how Pig doesn't know all the literature in this field and that Pig is being very disrespectful and not even letting me finish my sentences. It went on like this for a while, and boss-man went on to say that he was tired of Pig's attitude, and well, he wasn't the only one who'd noticed it...right? *crickets*

Anyway, after that I went on and finished my group meeting, presenting to a stunned group that was most certainly thinking, WTF? Rumor has it that the boss is going to talk to PIG next week about his attitude, and Pig's GF tells me that he's "so mad, he's had it, that's it", whatever that means. It'll be interesting, but I'm done. No more helping him out, buying him things from the storeroom because his account doesn't work. Screw it, he doesn't deserve it.

Past Post Updates

I have a big story to tell, and I'll post soon about it, but I'm still processing. For now, here are a few updates on past postings.

The Impossible Project has died. May it rest in peace. I ended up talking to some people from the research group I was trying to duplicate and it turns out that if you change one parameter the system doesn't work. I wish I'd known that months ago seeing as my whole interest was in using it as a method by which to study changes in the system. Oh well.

Due to circumstances relating the big story I have to tell, I've somewhat manipulatively aligned myself with the former group "pet". Apparently being nice to everyone, getting my work done and not getting in to trouble hasn't been working. This was the only thing that I could think of to improve my situation, so with much hesitation I went and made nice. It was the politically correct thing to do where the boss is concerned. Hopefully it pays off and he'll actually start to see me now. My theory being that I know he respects her opinion, and since she sympathizes with me now, maybe by her mentioning it to him (which I know she will, I'm not stupid) he'll start to see me in a different light. Here's hoping, and you know, in the long run making nice can't hurt.

Back to work for now, I promise to get to my big story soon!

Collaborating

I think I've just discovered one of the benefits of collaborating with another group. My boss is very self conscious, he cares what other faculty members think of him and his research. This motivates him, I think. My project is not collaborative, it's me alone working on it, not even working with other group members. Successes are mine, as are failures. This is great since I don't always play well with others (what with being a control freak and all). The downside is that there's nobody but me to push it along, and nobody but me to light a fire under my boss's ass. If he sits on my paper, it sits - nobody else is effected by his decision (other than me, so it doesn't count). This is the best plausible explanation that I can think of for being ignored and pushed aside in favor of other students.

Submitted

So I gave the paper to the boss yesterday morning. I think he's at least looked at it seeing as he came and told me to move some tables around. That's good news. We'll see if he actually gets comments back to me this time though.

In other news I'm in a supremely bad mood this morning due to the on campus track meet and untimely demise of my phone :(

Update

I went radio silent there for a few days - I went out of town for the weekend and got some much needed time away from the lab, but now I'm paying for it with both excessive tiredness and lots of work to do.

Anyway, about and hour before I left on Friday the boss comes in and asks me when I'm leaving. I tell him, in about an hour. He has this frantic panicked look in his eye and mumbles something about my abstract, and getting it to me right away. Now, I was disinclined to wait around for the abstract that would most certainly come 5 minutes before I ran out the door, so I told him just to email it to me whenever, I'd work on it over the weekend no problem. He says, great.

I check my email several times over the weekend (the only work I really did), nothing. Not a word. Monday rolls around, and finally I get it back, however rather than make comments, he just rewrote the parts he wanted changed. Hmm - was it that bad or is that just how he does things? Anyway, pared it down to meet the word limit and submitted it, so that's done.

Right now I'm taking the next to last (hopefully) pieces of data for the paper. I've revised and edited and am just waiting for these 5 numbers, then I'm sending it to him. Hopefully he'll get back to me on this version, 3 seems to be the charm.